With Apologies to Justin Bieber, and the In-Laws
FINALLY! Some time alone. The In-laws are gone and the wife’s taking a nap. I have a lot on my mind and have been needing to get it out.
Great, the internet is down and I have no access to my blog. So, I guess I’ll take some time to jot down a few things in this word document while waiting on the Internet guy, who will come precisely between some time today and forever,
It’s unbelievable how hard it is to write with In-laws staring over your shoulder, critiquing every sentence. Not just critiquing but rambling on and on and on and on and on…. for weeks. Rambling and drinking coffee. On and on about everything on the TV, bad childhood memories, arguing over who said what to who….20 years ago, out of control government spending, while simultaneously waiting on a government check and complaining that the hospital sent a bill for the 4 days intensive care where they were nursed back to life.
The house has been like an airport terminal as of late. An airport terminal, shut down for Hurricane Elvis that is. They are coming in but no one is leaving.
We have been accommodating everyone as best as we can on a limited budget here. Kind of like Value Jet after that crash in the swamp after they paid out billions in fines and compensation for the families that got ate by alligators.
We have limited funds and lots of mouths to feed and… coffee. Can after can after can of coffee. Coffee in the morning, coffee at noon, coffee in the evening. Hell, I woke up and found a full, cold pot this morning that someone made in the middle of the night and fell back to sleep. I never realized how expensive Maxwell House was until I was buying 2 bulk cans a day.
Do this, do that, get me this, go here, take me there, can you buy a softer brand of toilet paper?
Can you spot me 30 bucks till my check comes?
Can you put some money on my brother’s books?
You should have bought a bigger house.
Your home late, I told my last boss I wasn’t working nooooo overtime.
We rearanged your furniture, ain’t it better this way?
What’s for breakfast… lunch… dinner… you didn’t get any snacks?
Do you where I can get some weed?
Somethin’s wrong with your computer, it said somethin about a Trojan.
My kids don’t eat hotdogs, corndogs, or mac-n-cheese; you didn’t pick up any lobster or ribeyes?
Here’s 30 dollars on the electric bill, by the way can you pick up me a carton of cigarettes, beans, lots of garlic salt, and swap your cable for satellite TV? You need a bigger house and were out of coffee again. Hey, were out of coffee again.
What are you gonna do living here, when a hurricane comes? Your toilet is stopped up again; can you get that after you get the groceries out of the car?
I’ll just be here until I get that A-W-O-L thing worked out. If anyone asks, you haven’t seen me.
I’ll just be here until I get back on my feet.
I’ll just be here until I get my check.
I’ll just be here until I have thoroughly worn out my welcome.
I’ll just be here until…
I like it here, I think I’ll stay.
I’ll probably be barging in your bedroom later when you and your wife are having a long overdue intimate moment.
Nobody cares about politics, why don’t you write something about Justin Beiber? The way those young girls go crazy, I bet you could get a lot of traffic for that.
I’ve had over 10 million people visit my blog.
That’s nothin, I bet the Beiber could get 10 times that.
Phhht… that Sarah Palin is so stupid; she said she could see Russia from her house.
No she didn’t.
Yeah she did, I saw her on SNL.
That was a comedian pretending to be her.
No it wasn’t, I heard her with my own ears.
Baugh-Ruuuuuuut! Good beans.
When you leave for work I’ll be climbing those stairs to turn the thermostat up to 100+, even though I’m so weak when you’re here that you have to help me to the bathroom and wipe my butt. I’ll also be climbing up on the cabinets to see if that was an oxycotin you put up there.
Is he peeing off our porch? Yes dear, several times a day.
Here is a stack of bills that were in your mailbox. Man those phone and light bills are heeeaa…vy.
We got all our checks in the mail today; we will be leaving in the morning for Disneyland. Good Luck! When we run out of money you might have to come get us.
But it’s ok, they would do it for us if we found ourselves in a jamb, wouldn’t they?
The wife slipped in to insanity about 3 weeks ago. She seems happy, I’m thinking of joining her.
Written by Ken Maddox for Oneangryman.com